Worst advice I ever received: get into plastics instead of the Nazi killing business, where business is good. Damn you Dustin Hoffman.

More fun fascist bashing for the whole family, after the jump.

We’re in Nazi occupied France in the early ‘40’s. Life was slower back then. This film most be totally, historically accurate because it is taking its time, like an elderly woman driving to the grocery store. I’ve never seen such emphasis put on the drinking of a glass of milk. The speech comparing the Jews to rats is the most Tarrantino-esque dialogue in the whole movie. The poster did say Brad Pitt was in this movie, correct? End Part I.

Look, it’s Floyd from the couch of True Romance. He’s not so stoned anymore. I wonder what he’s been up to all these years? He’s enlisting a group of stereotypically looking Jewish actors and Ryan from the office. How did they not pull David Krumholtz for this? Was he too busy on the set of Num3ers?

Two words: Bear Jew. Eli Roth needs more screen time. He was awesome. So was Christoph Waltz as Landa the Jew Hunter. Which, if you watch closely, really is just a twisted interpretation of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I’ve never seen Melanie Laurant before, but she is some kind of fantastic Charlize Theron – ScarJo hybrid, in all the best ways.

So Brad Pitt? Anyone seen Brad around here? He’s a dad now, so I guess he’s too busy to show up to his own movie. Would’ve been awesome if he was in this though.

Mike Myers cameo is overrated. Are we shocked now that he can do a British accent and not look like himself? See Austin Powers 1-3.

Quentin? Anyone seen Quentin around here? He’s been doing a lot of late night talk shows promoting this film, so I guess he’s too busy to show up to his own movie. Would’ve been awesome if it felt like he actually wrote or directed this though.

Part Five: Finally the movie kicks into gear. The whole film premier scene is great. Gotta love the I-talian accents bit. More great Eli Roth. Since when does QT do blatant comic relief with silly faces and prat falls? So many plots to kill Hitler, such a long movie to fill. Good thing this film is totally, historically accurate. Like the end of Titanic, when we know iceberg equals ship sinking.

Final line of the movie: This may just be my masterpiece. Its not.

Tarrantino has long been my boy, and I’ll watch anything he’s involved in (My Best Friend’s Birthday?), but this just doesn’t have that QT feel. There’s no commode story, no Le Big Mac, no Deniro screwing Bridget Fonda, no My Name is Buck and I Like to…The dialogue isn’t there. The violence is gruesome, but lacks the fun of his previous films. Simply stated, this feels like it could’ve been directed by anyone. It’s probably unfair, because I expected so much, but so do all of his fans. I’ll give this 3 out of 5 Nazi scalps, which means I still owe Aldo Raine 97 more.