CULTURE SHOQ

The Taking of Pelham 123 | By Matt R.

Posted by Ronnie Fieg | Filed under Culture, Film

They’re trying to take Pelham 123. I say, let them have it.

More wit after flip.

There are a group of bad guys about to get on an NYC subway at different stops. How do we know that they are the villains? Because Jay-Z’s 99 Problems tells us so. Nevermind that the casting director decided to go with: Angry looking bald guy, Angry looking bald guy with a beard, Luis Guzman, and John Travolta with a huge “badass” neck tattoo.

Denzel Washington navigates tunnels like Bronson in the Great Escape. Too bad his boss is a dick, because he’s obviously the greatest train dispatcher of all time. How do I know this? His work neighbor says so. From now on when I get stuck on the F, I’m going to have to blame Frank Lucas.

So Travolta takes control of the Pelham 123. No surprise here. Then he installs a wireless router in the tunnel so that he can monitor the outside world via internet. Little does he know that one of the passengers on board has been webcaming his girlfriend, so the whole heist is being broadcast, which the television stations pick up. First Travolta has the edge, because he Googles Denzel and finds out that he is an MTA bigwig under suspicion of taking a bribe. But then it becomes Advantage Walter Garber when Denzel and his work neighbor see Luis Guzman and recognize him from the job. The work neighbor, who looks about 26, knows Louie from about ten years ago. I guess he joined the MTA straight out of high school. The internet somehow never manages to report that this live heist is being broadcast on television. Lucky Denzel.

John Turturro used to be a great character actor. Who else could pull off The Jesus, Herbie Stemple, and Pino? Now, he just keeps playing this quirky cop from Transformers. Denzel didn’t take the bribe. It’s called Pelham 123, because the train leaves Pelham Bay and is sponsored by Sesame Street. Denzel did take the bribe. But it was the train he was going to pick anyway.

Travolta keeps checking the stock market. Is it not apparent that he has another plan here? He seems to know the snipers are staring at him down the tunnel because he flips one the bird. But he and Guzman just keep sitting there, day-trading.

Oops, spoke too soon. In an all time great coincidences, a NYC rat crawls into the pant leg of a highly trained sniper just as he lines his shot up, and gets bitten. This causes an “accidental discharge” (hmmm, really?) killing Guzman. You know why coincidences don’t work in movies screenwriters? Because you can’t just happen to write something down. I already paid my Fandango convenience fee when I bought my tickets online. No other conveniences allowed.

Dialogue alert: if you ever wanted to hear a rambling account of a weekend trip to Iceland, with an ass model, performed by Tony Manero, you are in luck. He never should have told this story, because it allowed super-sleuth Mayor Tony Soprano to figure out that only a Wall Street guy could dream up such an insane weekend getaway. I’m pretty sure Denzel had Travolta pegged as a finance guy from his first conversation. Maybe calling the hostages “commodities” was a bigger clue?

Heavy metaphor alert: A Wall Street terrorist? Not the kind that bankrupts the system with greed and fancy transactions that cost taxpayers thousands of dollars. The kind that takes a gun, kills passengers, and steals a subway car in an attempt to manipulate the stock market for profit. When’s the movie about the CEO assassin come out next?

Denzel’s wife needs him to pick up the milk. She really wants him to bring home the bacon.

I’m pretty sure when cops shoot a bad guy, they always form a circle and fire at him from all angles. Nobody’s ever gotten caught in a cross fire of bullets. That only happens in movies.

I’m also sure that cops don’t let MTA workers hold a suspect at gunpoint, as they slowly creep along the bridge.

I don’t think anyone walking into this is expecting a masterpiece. Tony Scott keeps the action moving with quick MTV-friendly cuts and nifty graphics explaining the geographical obstacles that need to be overcome. Also, there’s a ticking clock, so you know you’re supposed to be in suspense. Denzel is great, Travolta is outrageous, and Chris from the Wire has about 3 minutes of screen time. I give this 2.5/5 overdramatic helicopter salutes from John Turturro.

Tags: The Taking of Pelham 123 | By Matt R.   |    June 16th, 2009   |